University College: The Feast of Lonely Gourmets

JRR: Hey guys, don’t you feel a bit lonely? So few people in such a grand hall?

Alice: I hope the turnout is not a rational reaction to the quality of food here. It is a scary thought.

CS: Especially after what we have experienced at Merton. But let’s not credit Oxford students with too much rationality. Remember that even at Merton the hall was packed.

Alice: Or could it be the price?

JRR: Ten and half quid for guests is not exactly cheap, but still less than at Oriel, which was full as well.

Alice: It is in any case our first formal with more people at the high table than in the general hall.

CS: Almost. Eighteen at the high table, twenty down here.

...

JRR: I have heard that the grace here is the longest of all Oxford colleges.

Alice: Sssh, they are starting.

(long time later) JRR: Impressive, 49.3 seconds. And it was all done as a dialogue. As if the grace was to remind us that university should be about a dialogue among its members.

CS: Or perhaps  this grace is too long for any individual to remember the whole thing.

...

Alice: This is the best pastry we have had so far, they even serve it warm! If the rest of the food is as nice as the bread-rolls, this is going to be a nice evening.

...

CS: The artichoke soup keeps up with the pastry. First, it is also served warm. And second, it is delicious. That said, a bit of decoration wouldn’t hurt.

...

Alice: A piece of lamb which looks great and tastes great. So do the rosemary mash and the vegetables. Clear five stars.

...

JRR: And the dessert! They are trying to kill me. Why did I not apply to Univ?

Alice: Because their 17^th century hall was not old enough for you.

JRR: Yeah. I can’t stand this modern architecture. But it doesn’t matter for our review, because most people will anyway presume that the hall is medieval. Who is the guy on the enormous portrait above the high table?

Alice: I’m not sure about his name, but I have heard he was a bit of an egomaniac. And I think he was a lawyer, too.

CS: I’m trying to decide whether one doesn’t imply the other. Or vice versa.

...

CS: So overall, do we like Univ?

JRR: The table setting is stylish, all fifteen people sitting with us in the hall seem properly dressed and friendly, and the staff do not bomb the food at us like at Lincoln but they serve it politely. Just the atmosphere somehow does not feel alright. It certainly is formal and posh, more so thanks to the small number of students attending. But an Oxford college is not an exclusive hotel. The magic of Oxford formals lies not in their pure elegance, but in the strange mixture of formality, traditionalism and magnificent settings with warm, lively and at times roguish student community. The latter set of features is missing here.

CS: Enough of this intellectual crap. The food was splendid, and there’s a huge painting of a lawyer buddy of mine on the wall. What more can one hope for?

Alice: Well, let’s see how Balliol rises to the challenge!

University: summary

Date	8/11/2011	Days with formal hall	Tue, Thu, Sun
Starter	Roasted Jerusalem Artichoke Soup, Sorrell and Chives	When does it start?	7:15
Main Dish	Rump of Lamb, Rosemary Mash, Carrots and Butternut Squash	Is there a high table?	yes
Dessert	Mango and Passion-Fruit Delice	Should I bring a gown?	no
Grace duration	49.3	Should I wear a tie/a dress?	yes
Total dinner duration	65 minutes

Atmosphere	***
Hall architecture & interior	****	Grace & traditions	*****
Dress code	***	Bonus for loneliness	-3
Table settings	****
Food	*****
Pastry	*****	Dessert - appearance	*****
Starter - appearance	****	Dessert - taste	*****
Starter - taste	****
Main dish - appearance	*****
Main dish - taste	*****
Services	****
Maximum number of guests (10)	*****	Pace	****
Staff	****	Wine glasses	****
Value for money	***
Price for college members (£6.75)	***	Quantity of food	*****
Price for visitors (£10.5)	*	Wine	*
Number of courses (3)	***

Oriel College: Under the eyes of the queen

Having been through Merton’s excellent Tesco ravioli and Lincoln’s highly efficient service which turns formals into a speed-eating competition with the staff eager to clean your plate, your humble committee have slowly started to wonder whether Oxford formals have too been struck by the crisis.

But then came Oriel,and we could see that better times are ahead. Oriel can pride itself with the title of the oldest royal foundation in Oxford, and it certainly makes sure you notice that when you enter their pleasant hall in the typical Oxford neo-gothic style. As we were informed by our host, the fancily lighted portrait right above the entrance is the largest portrait of Her Majesty the Queen in the world. It most definitely was the largest one in the hall. The splendour of the hall was this time given justice by an equally splendid four star table set-up. So far so good.

Our starter was a delicious Haricot bean soup which, however, could do with a touch of garnish to match up its quality taste with equally attractive appearance. On the other hand, what the soup lacked, the the college-crest embellished crockery in which it came certainly did not.The main course was a Roast that not even your favourite gastropub would need to be ashamed of on Sunday. Even Alice, who is hard to please when it comes to Roasts, was happy with its taste and the Yorkshire pudding got a special price from her for not being soggy. JRR, as an experienced almost-vegetarian, was brave enough to venture for the non-meat option and was rewarded with an excellent Risotto. Yes, Merton, they do have cheese in other colleges when they serve Italian.

The desert was a rhubarb crumble which was a bit less impressive than the starter and the main course, though it was by no means bad. Solid three stars.

The atmosphere in the hall was pleasant and friendly, and our fellow diners at Oriel put in the effort to suit up so it was not a formal-in-name only. But as we found out, Orielites do put a bit of informal touch to it by having the tradition of walking across the table if they need to leave for the bathroom and happen to sit on the bench next to the wall. Unfortunately, we didn’t get a chance to see a table march during our stay – perhaps more wine should have been served.

Overall, the dinner was tasteful and pleasant, although very far from Merton’s discount prices.

Oriel had risen the bar high, and thus we had hopeful minds when entering the gates of Univ the following week. Did it stand up to our newly raised expectations? Bear with us…

Oriel: summary

Date	28/10/2011	Days with formal hall (italics = no guests)	Sun-Fri
Starter	Haricot Bean Soup	When does it start?	7:15
Main Dish	Roast Beef ,Yorkshire PuddingSprouts, Cauliflower, Roast Potatoes	Is there a high table?	usually
Dessert	Apple and Rhubarb Crumble	Should I bring a gown?	no
Grace duration	18.3 seconds	Should I wear a tie/a dress?	yes
Total dinner duration	52 minutes

Atmosphere	****
Hall architecture & interior	****	Grace & traditions	****
Dress code	****	Bonus	+1
Table settings	****
Food	****
Pastry	****	Dessert - appearance	***
Starter - appearance	***	Dessert - taste	***
Starter - taste	****	Vegetarian option	*****
Main dish - appearance	***	Bonus
Main dish - taste	****
Services	****
Maximum number of guests (3; 1 on Sunday)	***	Wine glasses	****
Staff	*****	Bonus
Pace	****
Value for money	***
Price for college members (£5)	****	Quantity of food	*****
Price for visitors (£12)	*	Wine	*
Number of courses (3)	***	Bonus

Merton College: Tesco Value Quality for Tesco Value Prices

It did not take more than two formal halls before your trio of reviewers had to deal with the first attempts at bribery. Word got out of our rating endeavours and unscrupulous college members tried to sweet-talk their way out of trouble. “I swear we never have pasta at our formals – can I invite you guys again next week and pay for your dinner so that you can see for yourselves?” (A reminder of one of our rules: we always pay the guest price ourselves, irrespective of how stubborn our hosts try to be.) Needless to say, all these efforts were in vain.

The supposed highlight of the evening, Tortellini with Tomato Cream Sauce, looked as if the chef had limited his contribution to pointing at the most discounted bag of readymade pasta in the nearest supermarket. Truth be told, Mertonians boast probably the most economical formal hall in Oxford, with dinner price set at a very friendly £3.70 for locals and guests alike. But if we are to believe that the college chips in at least a modest subsidy on top of that, we’d need to see a bigger show than this past Tuesday.

Spectacular delicacy would certainly be in order. Little has survived of the structure erected in 1277 after the interventions of the 18^th and 19^th century architects, but even so the Hall is a more than worthy example of a light and tastefully decorated Oxford dining room. Perhaps the only slightly displeasing sight is the wart-dotted face of Walter de Merton (1205-1277), who receives your committee’s Ugliest Founder of an Oxford College Prize without hesitation and any need to visit the remaining 36 houses. Even with old Walter scaring the diners, this four-star venue would certainly deserve at least four-star cooking.

Instead, we were served a slice of leftover toast from breakfast to set the mood for the rest of the evening. The enigmatically named Merton Salad as a starter was in line with the looks of the hall, but the lack of any dressing left JRR mumbling, as he forked the greenery around on his plate, that only rabbits would eat unseasoned grass. Perhaps the lack of dressing could have been offset by bits of crispy bacon that added the salad a bit of decent calories content, which however was not the case for the vegetarian starter. Here, the unseasoned grass truly sums the starter up. Albeit it needs to be said that at least it was your Tesco’s finest as the greens were fresh and crunchy.

After the infamous tortellini, ice-cream improved the feelings on our taste buds, if not the dented reputation of Merton’s kitchen. We appreciated that coffee- and vanilla-flavoured ice-cream was served alternately before the diners, creating potential for free trade, related socializing and perhaps a game of chess, but it could still have been bettered with some fruit or whipped cream. Not quite your ‘every little helps’ spirit.

What one of Oxford’s three single oldest colleges lacked in food quality, it made up elegantly in the ‘service’ category. We complimented Merton on being concerned about the health of its members and their guests by placing disinfectant soap by the entrance to the hall. The waiters’ behaviour was impeccable and although all one of them could do to our request for some cheese for the pasta was to pull a sad face, we were impressed by the fact that he returned after dinner to ask us how satisfied we were. With him, a lot. With the atmosphere as well. But if food is to be considered an important aspect of a dinner... well, we did not have the heart to tell him about the food.

We continued our trek at Oriel College in Week 3. If you have found our reviews a bit harsh so far, stay tuned for Oriel, where four- and five-star ratings were flying around to the point at which JRR started worrying whether we haven’t mellowed a bit...

Merton: summary Date 18/10/2011 Days with formal hall (italics = no guests) Sun-Fri Starter Merton Salad When does it start? 7:15 Main Dish Tortellini with Tomato Cream Sauce Is there a high table? yes Dessert Raspberry Sponge Should I bring a gown? no Grace duration 14.2 seconds Should I wear a tie/a dress? yes Total dinner duration 45 minutes Atmosphere **** Hall architecture & interior **** Grace & traditions *** Dress code **** Bonus - ugliest founder -1 Table settings **** Food ** Pastry * Dessert - appearance ** Starter - appearance *** Dessert - taste *** Starter - taste ** Vegetarian option ** Main dish - appearance * Bonus - Main dish - taste ** Services **** Maximum number of guests (3) *** Wine glasses **** Staff **** Bonus - friendly staff +3 Pace *** Value for money **** Price for college members (£3.70) ***** Quantity of food **** Price for visitors (£3.70) ***** Wine * Number of courses (3) *** Bonus -

Lincoln College: Who wants to eat garlic on a Friday night?

JRR: Hey guys, did you know that this place has the oldest kitchen in continuous use in the world?

Alice: How do they know?

CS: They probably checked the kitchen at Lincoln is oldest in Oxford and generalized it to the rest of the world by implication. But the hall is cosy. Decent four stars. Just why is there a hole in the roof?

JRR: There used to be a big fire in the middle of the hall, but with the current fire regulations, they had to forget about it.

Alice: Hey, CS, it seems you are the only one here who bothered to suit up tonight. Some of the locals look like they just threw a gown over their gym clothes and descended upon the hall for a quick dinner. Guess that’s what happens if you have a formal six times a week. And the table setting is also pretty much like that. No menu, no wine glasses, no plate or knife for pastry, ordinary cutlery.

...

JRR: I heard they have a new chef here, I am sure he or she will do his or her best -

CS: Deep fried mushrooms, dripping with oil, senselessly scattered over a small white plate. Can we give negative stars for presentation? Hope they will taste bet... garlic! Who wants to eat garlic on a Friday night? It’s almost like they just brought the starter over from one of the two kebab vans around the corner from here. But I bet the kebab guys could actually do a better job.

...

CS: They call it Braised Beefsteak Carbonnade, I call it UBS.

Alice: ?

CS: Universal Brown Sauce. But the meat is actually quite well made.

Alice: Yes, the meat is great, nice four stars. It’s a pity the vegetables selection is not very colourful - cauliflower and cauliflower.

CS: At least it does not intimidate the UBS.

...

JRR: Hmm, I can appreciate a dessert with custard. As long as you take enough of it, it does not matter what the dessert tastes like. This one is fine, though.

CS: Yeah, taste is three stars. But the appearance, or the lack of it, is one star max. Sorry.

...

Alice: Aren’t we a bit too tough? The main dish was decent and people are nice, notice that our neighbours instantly started a conversation with us. And noone seemed to mind our not so inconspicuous scribbling of notes during the evening.

JRR: I agree, the students are nice. I thought the same about the staff, but only until they did not allow me to go the bathroom. True, I was actually on my way to pick up my camera, but still ... it felt like being back in primary school.

CS: What did you say? I’ve still been thinking about the mushrooms, still feeling the garlic ... wow, did you see what the folks at the high table got?

Alice: I guess next year we should review high table food instead.

Lincoln: summary

Date	14/10/2011	Days with formal hall (italics = no guests)	Mon-Fri, Sun
Starter	Deep Fried Mushrooms	When does it start?	7:15pm
Main Dish	Braised Beefsteak Carbonnade, Savoury Diced Potatoes, Cauliflower	Is there a high table?	yes
Dessert	Eve's Pudding	Should I bring a gown?	yes
Grace duration	29.2 seconds	Should I wear a tie/a dress?	no
Total dinner duration	37 minutes

Atmosphere	***
Hall architecture & interior	****	Grace & traditions	***
Dress code	*	Bonus	-
Table setting	**
Food	**
Pastry	***	Dessert - appearance	*
Starter - appearance	*	Dessert - taste	***
Starter - taste	**	Vegetarian option	-
Main dish - appearance	**	Bonus	-
Main dish - taste	****
Services	**
Maximum number of guests (1)	*	Wine glasses	-
Staff	**	Bonus	-
Pace	**
Value for money	***
Price for college members (£4.30)	****	Quantity of food	*****
Price for visitors (£6.50)	***	Wine (none offered)	*
Number of courses (3)	***	Bonus	-

In each category, a college is awarded one to five stars. "-" is used where we were not able to evaluate a particular subcategory at a given college. The number of stars for each category equals the average over all evaluated subcategories.

Project Collegelicious Launched!

You know it. It is the ubiquitous Oxonian conversation topic and no, it ain’t politics. It is even more Oxbridge than that. It is hall food.

So the question which has troubled many generations of Oxford students is this: where will you find the best formal hall in Oxford? Some colleges boast stained glass portraits of Alice in Wonderland, other complement Sunday dinners with a sung grace, yet others offer free wine, and some ... some of them even serve good food.

We are certainly not the only people in Oxford who would like to know which colleges offer the best formal halls. Yet, there is no comprehensive and coherent source of information on the topic. That is why we have decided to start Collegelicious.

On this blog, we would like to provide reviews of all, or at least the majority, of formal halls taking place weekly at the Oxford colleges. Our rules are simple.

1. We visit one formal hall each week of a term.
2. We visit the most formal dinner taking place at the given college every week.
3. We sit in the general hall, not at the high table (even if there is one).
4. One of us orders the vegetarian option (if available).
5. We award 0-5 stars in each sub-category and then obtain the category rating by averaging the number of stars awarded in each sub-category. If we are unable to evaluate a certain sub-category, it is excluded from the calculation.

We will stay incognito during the reviews in order to prevent lobbying or even upright corruption by college representatives, for we know how hard it is to say no to an extra crème brûlée. Let us just say that we are international (to make sure that Oxford halls can actually cater to tastebuds other than those brought up on cuisine where a potato with canned fish already qualifies itself as a respectable lunch) graduate students from St John’s, Somerville and Lincoln.

Since the oldest colleges take their fame from bearing witness to numerous decades and centuries, we decided to explore whether the years of tradition extend to maintaing their hall menu in good medieval spirit too (porridge three times a day), much like their gargoyles.

So it is that this term we are starting with the eight oldest colleges. For those less knowledgeable in history, these are University, Balliol, Merton (relax, these three are listed in no particular order!), Exeter, Oriel, Queen’s, New and Lincoln. If you want to know where to invite your family while it is visiting Oxford, or where to try to get invited yourself by your friends from other colleges, follow us closely.

We started at Lincoln in Week 1 of Michaelmas and we’ll soon be posting our full review. In short, we weren’t particularly impressed...